she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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