i think my mom watched the whole time
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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