how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
