Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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