I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
