Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
