I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
