I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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