I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
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she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
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how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.