Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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