The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
