when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
