i'm signing you up for texting rehab
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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