i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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