guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
