So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
