some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Randomize
