Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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