her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
