At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild