If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
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i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.