Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
