Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
