He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
