did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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