I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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