I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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