I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
