Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.