Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.