I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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