How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
