She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
