What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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