Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
