What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
