I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
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That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
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it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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