Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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