yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
