Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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