found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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