i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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