I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
