K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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