does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
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do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
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As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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