Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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