I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
