I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
