About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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