walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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