I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'd cum for enchiladas.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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