trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
