it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
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As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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