I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
