The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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