Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
