You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
